Something else I’ve been struggling with for a few years is eating. After my big crash into depression 3 years ago I did stop eating at the time. I just had maybe some yoghurt or something really small every other or 3rd day. This went on for several months until my friend found out and intervened basically forced me to start eating again. (Something I’ll always be eterally grateful for! She is a hero! ❤ )

It was a huge struggle to get my body to even WANT food again, at first I was getting nauseous every time I ate. Of course not eating is terrible for the body so I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time dealing with my depression is because my body simply didn’t have the energy to do so. But whenever I ate my body felt terrible because it wasn’t used to eating anymore. But food was needed to even start to feeling better in the long run… It was a really really bad loop!

This has been a huge struggle and now 3 years later I managed to get to the point where I eat 2 times a day. I’m almost at 3 times a day but I have to set a reminders to eat the 3rd time because I don’t feel hunger so I usually don’t even think about it at all!

I still managed to put on quite a amount of weight tho during this process! I guess my body has been in starvation mode for so long and when I DO eat it’s usually microwave food. 😐 That’s not very heathy but better that nothing at least! x)

You know what sucks…?

Depression sucks.. So f**king bad! Why am I writing this? Because I want to be more open and talk about it instead of suffering in silence. So I’m gonna try to talk about it.. Maybe to try to help myself in some way? Or maybe it could help someone else somewhere to know you are not alone in your struggles? I don’t know.. Anyway..

As some of you know already I have been struggling a lot with depression for a few years now. It has sometimes been a steady slow decent downwards, sometimes more like falling, sometimes crashing, but always going deeper down into that terrible hole that is depression. And I absolutely hate, HATE what it has done to me! I have become such a terrible version of myself. Something I never ever wanted, but it happened.. And no! I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. It’s more of an “I’m sorry” thing… a “I know I been such a bad… everything” thing.. and an explanation of sorts.

Depression has made me into a terrible person, a bad friend, a failure at everything small and big.. I am in my worst form physically and mentally. I have also not been able to be there for the people I care about. My friends and family.. Barely even keep any form of social contact with people at all. I have absolutely failed at every aspect. And I fully know this, making me feel worse of course. I am so sorry I let this happen while I was sitting in my hole of depression having my pity party… I wish I would have handled everything differently, I probably lost a few people I care about because of my actions.. or lack there of. I wanted to be there for people, but was not able to.. Depression is of course different for everyone, for me it makes it extremely difficult to be social. I WANT to talk to people, I miss people and I am so happy to hear from them, but writing ONE message back can feel like running a marathon uphill. A thought I’ve had lately is that maybe I find it so difficult because I subconsciously think I don’t deserve the support of others because I myself am not able to give support back? I don’t know, this it just a guess at trying to understand how my messed up brain has worked.

I want to be better tho! I will really try this year to be better! I know just saying it means nothing, I have to say it with actions.. not words! I will not let depression mess me up so I mess everything up anymore!

First course of action I will try to fix myself is meditating, exercising, reading and making my bed every day. The exercise and reading part comes from Pewdiepie, hearing him talking about how much good it has brought him and also urging his viewers to follow his example was inspiring. Of course I and everyone else already knew exercise is good for you so technically that was always a goal even before to start doing!

Meditation is something I hope will help calm my mind down, I feel like it’s always racing with a million thoughts, making sleeping and focusing in general very hard.

And making the bed is something I read is a really good start for someone with depression, even if it’s a small little thing it gives a sensation of accomplishment. Eventually encouraging you to do bigger tasks!

Ok! That’s the plan! I don’t know what else to say today, I guess I’ve said enough!

Wish me luck!